Who said?

This week I heard men on a radio talk show talking about punishing children. Their concern was that they couldn't "take the belt to them." Beyond the fact that people still believe that hitting a child with a belt is okay, I thought about all the people hearing this that would be influenced by the remark. Does it give people permission to use a belt?

The real question is, What did I know about the guy talking on the radio? Nothing! What did the child do to deserve such a punishment? Unknown!

Negative thinking

Negative remarks seem to be a a large part of depression. Sometimes the depressed person makes them and sometimes the people around the depressed person make the negative statements. The end result is defensiveness. Once defensiveness kicks in all communication stops and depression runs wild.

Strangers

For some reason it is easier to talk to a stranger than it is to talk to a spouse. I don't understand, that before people get married they can talk for ever. They will talk for two or three hours every night, on the phone, and never run out of things to talk about. But after they have been married for a while they stop talking.

Men and women who have affairs will eventually realize they find it easier to talk to the the third person than their spouse, even though they have no intention of getting a divorce.

I'm Amazed

Yesterday, when I decided to write in my blog, I chose to talk about "forgiveness" as the missing component in secular counseling. Well within a very few minutes I received an email that talked about Jesus' death on the cross and how it forgave all of us for all of our sins.

It is almost frightening the way God works in our life.

It's been a while

Lately, I have had a problem with time. It goes along with the statement, "The faster I go, The behinder I get." Imagine from March to August. That's five months. During that time I realized why I became a Christian Counselor. Its summed up in one word, "forgive." So often in working with a client it comes down to the fact that someone hurt them. No matter what they do it won't change that fact. The only action left is to forgive.

Being released from our past is the only solution to some of our old nightmares. While it is true that we can't change our past, forgiveness is one way that we can avoid reliving it.

Mental health

I never cease to be amazed by the people who are afraid to get well. In treatment I will ask what it would be kike if they no longer felt angry or if they were no longer depressed. There seems to be a lot of comfort in being miserable. Sometimes people even give positive meaning to negative behaviors, like saying to a child that I am spanking you because I love you. I'm not sure but there are probably better ways to express love. The fact is that we spank children because they broke a rule and we abuse people as a way to control them.

Maybe removing misery and pain is only good if we replace it with something more positive.

Obstacles

I don't mean to get Freudian on everyone, but last night I had a dream that made me feel extremely frustrated. Since I ask clients about any unusual dreams, I decided to see what my dream meant. The dream coincided with the early morning and my need to find a toilet. In the dream I was also in need of finding a toilet, but I was in a strange entertainment center. After waiting in a line forever, I got to the door. When I opened the door there were several people in a large room doing many different activities. The man I needed to pass was in an inner tube in a very small pool just a little larger than the inner tube. Some how I had to get past this man, who gave me an evil stare. Once I got past him I found another door. Upon opening the door I found another woman running to this unusual looking toilet. An argument ensued.

The message was loud and clear that life is full of obstacles. These obstacles are creating considerable frustration for me and everyone else. Most of the obstacles we are faced with make very little sense, much like in the dream.

Because I can

The new thought for living seems to be, "Because I can." This is a great answer to the question, "Why?

The economy

It seems that in many of my sessions the economy becomes an issue. Clients are feeling a considerable amount of anxiety in regard to the current economic climate. This is even worse for the clients suffering from an anxiety condition. Worrying for no apparent reason can be a problem, but it gets worse when it's combined with a real reason. Even the wealthy are being careful with their money and the uncertainty of what is to come tomorrow.

"Behind every great man..."

There is an old saying that goes, "Behind every great man is a great woman." The Internet indicates that the earliest time it was in print was in 1945. At that time it was said in such a way that indicates that it had been around longer than that. With the current economic problems it would seem that internal motivation is hard to come by. Between house foreclosures, unemployment, and factories closing how does one stay optimistic and motivated? This is where someone getting behind us becomes so important. Moral support and acceptance is so important when things get bad.

In marriage counseling it is often obvious that one of the partners is making a good impression while the other is doing all the work. Maybe the solution to a great marriage is to know what your partner does and have respect his/her work.

People helping people

The economy continues to be a problem. Yesterday I received a brochure from my Congressman. It had a check sheet included that I could use to indicate if there were any problems I thought were important. Being in the health care professions and having clients cancel appointments because they can't afford their co-pays, I wondered what planet he was from. If he doesn't know what problems his constitutents are having, my imput is probably not going to help.

My father lived through the Great Depression. He told stories about not having any money, but since they lived on a farm they always had food. People driving by on their way to finding work would stop in for help. Though they had no money to give, no body left hungary. Americans are an interesting breed. Only when people decide to do something about their condition will this economic problem get solved. Business people can't help because they are busy trying to find a way to get their share of the billions of dollars congress is giving away.

The goodness of people

This winter has been cold, with almost record breaking snow. It reminds me of how people come together in times of disaster. On September 11, 2001 people were somehow able to unite and work to the common good. To some extent in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina people were able to help each other. People are still in 2009 going to New Orleans to help rebuild the city. Sometimes it seems, that once the disaster passes everyone goes back to their self-centered, egotistical selves. Or maybe these are not the same people.

Many times in my career, I have worked with people dedicated to helping others. These include volunteer and professional firemen, Emergency Medical Service workers, ambulance attendants, policemen, nurses, counselors, and case managers. These clients come to counseling
because of the politics in these professions. They express a deep concern for their fellow man, but feel their hands are tied by the constraints of business and finance. We need to find ways to allow that goodness to surface.

Truth

What is the truth in today's world. We find information on the Internet and believe it without question. For some reason information found in print has some kind of credibility. I receive e-mail all the time that proves its credibility by saying go to another website or by reading another quote from someone else I have never heard of.

After the election for president in 2008 many questions concerning who said what, became a problem. Information given on Saturday Night Live, was attributed to one of the candidates. In Ohio people on the news programs reported rumor and gossip as fact. So much of the news today is so unbelievable it is hard to tell truth from fiction. Political "spin" is so institutionalized that we no longer can believe what we see for ourselves.

EMDR vs. traditional therapy

I have again encountered traditional therapy and how it clogs up the EMDR process. EMDR consent rates on one issue at a time. Once that issue is reprocessed and the corresponding self belief is installed we move on to the next issue. Many times in resolving one issue several other issues become insignificant (its the generalization effect). In traditional therapy there is more a tendency to allow the client to deal with what ever they want to deal with at the time. While EMDR is viewed as client centered, the focus is to deal with one issue at a time.

Sometimes it is hard to break the habits formed in traditional therapy. The client can never resolve an issue because they have been trained to allow their brain to spin out of control. Always worrying and never able to develop a sense of closure.

Hope

This is inauguration day and everyone on television sounds so hopeful. People saying they have been waiting for this day their whole life. It is almost like a rebirth of a nation. Well nothing has changed. We are still in two wars, the economy is still a disaster, people are losing their homes to foreclosure and unemployment is climbing everyday. Yet people are hopeful.

Hope is what counseling offers patients. So often when people come in for counseling they feel that all is lost. When a spouse asks for a divorce the person feels like a failure and that no one will ever love them again. Through counseling they realize that life goes on. Eventually, they meet someone and realize they have a chance at happiness. When hope is restored their feelings of depression lift.

Hope is important to everyone, so when everything looks glib look for something positive.

Spiritual

When I opened the paper this morning I found an article about a Clinical Psychologist that wrote his second book on spirituality in psychotherapy. In this time of so many people denyiung the existance of God, it was refreshing to find someone who recognizes he healing power of the spirit. He was Jewish. He pointed out that peple who atend church live, on average seven years longer than non believers.

Communication s one of the most identified problems in a relationship. I believe the real problem is listening or more importantly hearing what the other person said. In Anger Management it is suggested that a person waits five seconds after a person completes their statement before they respond. The reasoning is that you respond to the complete thought rather than the first part. Once you determine what you are going to say you stop hearing what is being said. For example if someone says, " I was very disappointed in your comment until I realized you were trying to help me." If a person became defensive about the disappointment they would miss the true meaning of the statement.

The idea of communication is to develop understanding which means hearing what is being said, not just listening to the words.

For many years counselors have been telling clients to forget the past because nothing can be done about it. While it is true that we can't change the past, it certainly tells us where behavior patterns started. What is more amazing is that behaviors that don't work are more comfortable than the risk of trying a new behavior. Maybe that is the reason people do the same things over and over, rather than the expectation of different results.

One of the biggest challenges in therapy is to get the client to try something new. The excuse we use for people not trying new activities is that is is incongruent with their personality. The objective of going to counseling is "change."

Recently I was questioned by a client about the scientific support for theories in psychology. This person happened to be a scientist and couldn't understand how conclusions could be drawn by such small samples of population. This issue is especially true when it comes to measuring the success of any therapeutic treatment approach. One of the bigger problems is the drop out rate for any given therapy. Once the client gets what they want out of therapy they stop.

The other day I saw a new client who had an obvious mental health issue. While she acknowledged the problem, that wasn't the reason for her visit. She wanted advice and counsel for a current situation that was causing her some anxiety. Once the session was over she left satisfied with the results of the session. As a therapist I would see her as a person who dropped out of therapy. On the other hand it is her life and her misery. Thank God for medication it sometimes makes life tolerable.

Well it has been a long day. I have spent much of my day working on my computer. My computer is a necessary evil. One of the latest concerns in the counseling profession is cyber-addictions. I once knew a lady who raced her husband home each night, because the first one home got the computer for the night.

The main concern is that people are not relating to others very well. Maybe I'm old fashion but given the choice between text messaging and talking on the phone, I'll take talking. Actually most of the adolescents that are hooked on video games, when given the opportunity, choose hanging out with their friends in person.

I finally had an EMDR session where the client just couldn't get into the process. Upon questioning it was discovered that the client couldn't use the free association of thoughts. As a remedy for avoiding the intense feelings he had created enough activities that he ended up blocking out his emotions by producing spinning thoughts.

I have seen this phenomena in the past where clients living in a threatening environment would develop coping strategies to avoid feelings. The results were quite disturbing. They would get violent with little remorse.